I sit here awestruck as I realize that an entire block had already come and gone. A block that's designed to weed out the weak, test your limits, and beat you raw. It's a class that puts every student in their place- it makes you humble. In fact I recently read that the anatomy block is when the majority of medical school dropouts occur... and I passed! I feel accomplished like I never have before. I'm in a class with the best of the best, I'm competing with the elite, and studying a subject that's extremely intense and arduous... and I passed... I keep reminding myself, motivating myself and moving forward. I've dissected an entire human body- the delicate and extremely small muscles of the hand that allow an artist to make fine touches to a masterpiece and a neurosurgeon to cautiously remove a tumor from a risky area, the uniquely detailed skull with numerous holes and indentions purposefully located to allow the passage of nerves which will give rise to action, the two slit-like vocal cords that powerfully give rise to language and song, and so much more. It was a life-changing experience. I find that when I eat- I visualize the food as it courses through the ever winding gastrointestinal tract. And when I look down at the scars from my most recent knee surgery, I envision the scalpel and each cut that was made in an attempt to create three new ligaments (all of which I have handled in my own two hands). I think differently. I have more details to occupy my mind and I have more pieces to solve the puzzle... I have a real perspective of the human body, of where things go and how things fit together. I can understand the synergy. I've touched it, ran my fingers between muscles that once flexed and relaxed with perfect timing to allow for graceful movement and along arteries that at one time warmly coursed through a living body feeding every inch of flesh with relatively large and supple blood cells. I've removed organs only to replace them after observing deeper structures and I've vigorously removed the calvarium (top of the skull) to reveal the powerful organ that controls our every emotion, thought and movement- the brain. I already feel like I've come along way, but I'm still only one step passed the starting line. I have the whole marathon left.
As I sit in this uncomfortable black seat in an attempt to stretch my stiff knee and update my neglected blog, I watch my fingers fluidly and swiftly type my thoughts onto the screen. My fingers looks fatter than normal.... fluffy and short. Then I realize that they only look this way, because I've been biting my nails. I've never had this problem....
One week ago, I began a new block: Genetics and Neoplasia (cancer). It's intense to say the very least. It's a 5 week course in which we learn everything there is to know about genetics, genetic diseases, all the processes involving DNA and RNA, cancer, birth defects, inheritance patterns and so much more. FIVE WEEKS...! I took multiple semester-long genetic classes in undergrad and we didn't even cover this much detail. We have multiple lectures, one right after the other, and with each one the subject becomes more difficult and detailed. Various doctors (MDs and PhDs alike) rotate between lectures, each passionately teaching their field of expertise and often their life's work. Their pagers (which was initially associated with an antiquated picture in my mind, but more recently has developed into something more profound) go off loudly and methodically. The doc nonchalantly reaches down and tilts the small rectangular screen in his direction. He takes his time, moves slowly and processes. Never flinching, but instead smoothly stepping out of our lecture hall and quietly returning the call or he has another professor in the room return the call for him. A doctor's pager- it can be a patient's lifeline, a call for help from a frantic resident, a sign of an emergency and a need for back up, or simply a spouse to say she's running late. A doctor's pager is attached to their hip and they vigilantly and visibly carry it on their dress pants or slacks. One day... very far from today... I will have a pager like that. What a small thing to look forward to... Doctors are important people, each call and each page is important. It's a concept I can't even grasp. Our cell phones go off in class and we quickly shuffle through our back packs, turn it off, turn bright red and apologize multiple times. But our doctor and class lecturer continues on without skipping a beat or losing his place. He's focused, so we move on naturally and accepting of the whole situation. We understand.
I used to get upset with my sister for chewing her nails as short as physically possible. She used to sit in front of the TV as a kid and bite at her finger nails sometimes until they bled... One time, before her senior prom, she went to a salon to get her nails done. The poor lady struggled because my sister didn't leave her much to work with. And now here I am 23 years old, and I've adopted a new habit... I nervously chew at my nails.... I'm not even sure when it happens, I just look down and they look terrible.
One of our lecturers and a doctor in the area stands at the front of the room, tall and lanky with a monotone voice, dry humor and a depth of knowledge that I can't imagine ever being capable of, but knowing I must be one day. He explains the clinical manifestation of a disease... we jot down notes, follow along on our printed powerpoint handouts and listen intently. When he explains that Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is often characterized by unique creases in the palm and fingers, I notice many of my classmates look down at their hands, some without even realizing it and others as if they're truly concerned. I smile- because we all have those moments. A few weeks ago, I was convinced I suffered from nasal polyps, because I had multiple nose bleeds as a kid, and I have a torn rotator cuff, because of the way I fell of my bunk bed at church camp in the 9th grade and I couldn't lift my arm for quite a few days. We have a dangerous amount of information-it's too sparse and underdeveloped to understand the whole picture. I can't wait until we start learning about mental health and my colleagues take it upon themselves to diagnose their friends with mental illnesses. It should be interesting what people come up with. I'm convinced I'll have a slight case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder :)
We're also currently learning how to conduct a physical exam. I'll never forget the day the 8 people in my Foundations of Clinical Practice class sat in our cramped room. We all stared at our new instruments without a clue how to make adjustments, what to use them for, or even how turn them on! I felt like a mechanic assistant and the mechanic asking me to hand him the monkey wrench and I give him a screw driver. My oto-opthalmoscope was like a foreign object that made a pretty light and I could use to find my way to the bathroom at night, but it was more. It was a tool that would one day allow me to diagnose intracranial pressure and otitis media (an ear infection). My stethoscope was heavy duty, purple and shiny brand new! More importantly it was gonna listen to heart beats and lung sounds- it was gonna listen for pathology. It will often be the first step in the healing process. I was flabbergasted... med school does that to me often.
At the end of the day, I realize I'm a med student. That is what I AM. It's my identity and my purpose for this long moment. For this reason, I have come to love my classmates- they understand me. They are my safe haven and I understand them. We have a camaraderie that could not exist with anyone else. All we are capable of talking about is medical school- it's all we do and all we know. We can't help it. It's a brother/sisterhood and each day we grow closer. We need each other. I can't say I've ever had this before. I was recently made aware that while watching the UFC fights, my med school buddies and I made medical jokes that no one else at the table understood. We're weird... but we're weird together :) So at the end of the say my hair will go uncombed, because I want to spend those last few minutes reviewing the inheritance of Marfan's Syndrome, I'll feel guilty every minute I didn't study, my backpack will be my new best friend, and my nails will suffer. I'll bite them to the core. I'll polish them in attempt to cover the damage... but in the end I'll still be a medical student. This is who I am for the next four years. I slowly accept my abrupt new lifestyle more and more...
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Eat, Sleep, Dream Med School
A 3 day weekend slightly reminded me that I have a life outside of medical school... a life catching up and cleaning my room, doing an embarrassing amount of laundry, and simply just letting life slow down- lying in bed a few minutes after the alarm goes off, taking the time to make breakfast and most importantly just taking the time to breath deeply and slowly. I was reminded that a nice chic flic at the theater and eating out for dinner (rush-free) wasn't going to kill me. I did have the time to spare, if I just planned accordingly. It was a refreshing and greatly needed break.
But the 3 day weekend quickly faded and on that Tuesday morning- post Labor Day- I pressed snooze a handful of times, didn't wake up early enough to make coffee, and forgot my already-packed lunch in the refrigerator at home. "Here we go again," I thought. It was a drastic change of pace, full speed ahead, ready or not.
Now here I am, after a blink of an eye and it's already Saturday. Another week passed, another week closer to my goal. These past few days- I became indulged in medical school. After feeling a little down the past couple of weeks, I was itching to get an A on our weekly quiz, something that for some reason or another, is so difficult to do no matter how much you study. I decided to make north campus (where UNM's med school is located) my home. Two days out of the week, I ate three meals there- yogurt or fruit in 8 o'clock lecture, a packed lunch in the med student lounge, and dinner in the library. I was even made aware that Friday night while sleeping, I recited the muscles of the abdominal cavity. Either it's the Percocet making me insane or it's med school- I'm not sure yet.
Which reminds me... in the hustle and bustle of everything I forgot to mention- I had a second knee surgery yesterday. So I'm typing this blog while lying in bed, elevating my leg, and despising the crutches that lean on the end of my night stand. Basically, while under general anesthesia my orthopedic surgeon tried to forcefully bend my knee. When he was unable to bend it (it's extremely stuck), he once again took a scalpel to my already scarred knee. I think he made two or three small arthroscopic incisions- I haven't seen it yet, because I can't take of the dressing for three days. He cut the scars that had formed beneath my skin. He explained that I had scarred so much, a thick adhesion fastened my kneecap to the muscles in my thigh. No wonder I couldn't bend past 110 degrees! Needless to say, I am in recovery and hoping, wishing, and praying that this will fix the problem.
So.... back to med school stuff. Right now I'm in the HSFD block- or Human Structure Function and Development. A block is essentially a mini semester and they vary in length. Our next block is genetics and neoplasia. Anyway, HSFD is a ten week block and this week marks the 7th week of it, so I'm very close to being done with one step :) It's pretty exciting and I'm definitely ready to be on to the next thing!
Highlights of week:
Neuro- a brand for energy drinks and other healthy drinks- is recognizing bloggers and people who contribute to social media around Albuquerque. I was chosen, because of this blog and got a bunch of free drinks and had a mini "photoshoot." Plus they're going to mention my blog on their facebook page. (Thanks Christen).
http://www.facebook.com/DrinkNeuro#!/DrinkNeuro?v=info&ref=ts
Was able to tailgate with a ton of old friends and new friends alike! Unfortunately the lobos got their butts kicked :(
But the 3 day weekend quickly faded and on that Tuesday morning- post Labor Day- I pressed snooze a handful of times, didn't wake up early enough to make coffee, and forgot my already-packed lunch in the refrigerator at home. "Here we go again," I thought. It was a drastic change of pace, full speed ahead, ready or not.
Now here I am, after a blink of an eye and it's already Saturday. Another week passed, another week closer to my goal. These past few days- I became indulged in medical school. After feeling a little down the past couple of weeks, I was itching to get an A on our weekly quiz, something that for some reason or another, is so difficult to do no matter how much you study. I decided to make north campus (where UNM's med school is located) my home. Two days out of the week, I ate three meals there- yogurt or fruit in 8 o'clock lecture, a packed lunch in the med student lounge, and dinner in the library. I was even made aware that Friday night while sleeping, I recited the muscles of the abdominal cavity. Either it's the Percocet making me insane or it's med school- I'm not sure yet.
Which reminds me... in the hustle and bustle of everything I forgot to mention- I had a second knee surgery yesterday. So I'm typing this blog while lying in bed, elevating my leg, and despising the crutches that lean on the end of my night stand. Basically, while under general anesthesia my orthopedic surgeon tried to forcefully bend my knee. When he was unable to bend it (it's extremely stuck), he once again took a scalpel to my already scarred knee. I think he made two or three small arthroscopic incisions- I haven't seen it yet, because I can't take of the dressing for three days. He cut the scars that had formed beneath my skin. He explained that I had scarred so much, a thick adhesion fastened my kneecap to the muscles in my thigh. No wonder I couldn't bend past 110 degrees! Needless to say, I am in recovery and hoping, wishing, and praying that this will fix the problem.
So.... back to med school stuff. Right now I'm in the HSFD block- or Human Structure Function and Development. A block is essentially a mini semester and they vary in length. Our next block is genetics and neoplasia. Anyway, HSFD is a ten week block and this week marks the 7th week of it, so I'm very close to being done with one step :) It's pretty exciting and I'm definitely ready to be on to the next thing!
Highlights of week:
Neuro- a brand for energy drinks and other healthy drinks- is recognizing bloggers and people who contribute to social media around Albuquerque. I was chosen, because of this blog and got a bunch of free drinks and had a mini "photoshoot." Plus they're going to mention my blog on their facebook page. (Thanks Christen).
http://www.facebook.com/DrinkNeuro#!/DrinkNeuro?v=info&ref=ts
Was able to tailgate with a ton of old friends and new friends alike! Unfortunately the lobos got their butts kicked :(
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
My heart stops, my lungs gasp
sevyllyn.blogspot.com
Week 4 in Human Structure, Function and Development
The ribs had been cracked open before we arrived, and the wall of the thorax loosely sat on top of his old body. We were so anxious to move on from the legs, back and arms that we had just been tested on, so we eagerly began working. Today we we're exposing the heart and lungs- the HUMAN heart and lungs! We slowly and carefully peeled off the cut ribs and sliced through the diaphragm and various muscles to pull it free. Ther we set eyes upon the contents of the thoracic cavity- the lungs easily stoof out and it was certainly a pleasant sight, because it was a change from looking at mostly pink muscles and white bones and tendons in the arms and legs. They had a marble or snake skin type appearance with pink as a dominate color and speckles and swirls of black scattered throughout. But comparing all the different cadaver's lungs offered much more diversity. Some lungs were much more black and abnormally shaped, some were pinker, some darker purple, and some had more splotches of black while still maintaining their pink color. The heart was located close to the center and for now it was covered in a thick durable white tissue. We could see hints of the liver and abdominal organs, but we wouldn't be exposing these until later.
Touching the lungs was incredible. They were enormous taking up most of the space enclosed by the ribs and encircling the heart. They felt like a Tempurpedic mattreess- when I pushed on them, they slowly and smoothly returned to their original shape. When we handled them roughly, it took longer to fluff out again, but they did. The heart, on the other hand, was much harder, after all it's a powerhouse of muscle- constantly pumping blood throughout. It was even more rigid, because blood had coagulated within its 4 chambers. The blood clots were dark and looked like dirt- some were as hard as rocks. Our cadaver's heart was enormous (much bigger than the average size of a fist). It had obviously become enlarged to compensate for his plaqued arteries. Vessels branched in all different directions and it was a puzzle, we would have to figure out and master. I was anxious to begin the challenge!
It was a nice break spending those three hours in the lab- exploring. It offered a sense of rejuvenation and confirmation, because the past few days had been extremely busy as we spent countless hours studying for our first exam. Many of us were feeling down, nervous, and stressed out. We had all spent our entire weekend in the cadaver lab, in the study rooms and in the library exerting every last bit of energy into learning every aspect of the past three weeks. Not only was I physically exhausted, but also emotionall and mentally fatigued. But cutting into the chest felt amazing and reminded me why I am doing this, why we all just need to push through.
Week 5 in Human Structure, Function and Development
It gets tougher and tougher each day. We are constantly being challenged, quizzed and presented with new information. We just began the abdominal contents- intestines, liver, pancreas, stomach, and the list goes on and on. We have so much to cover this week, but fortunately we have a three day weekend to look forward to- or better yet we have a three day weekend to study.
Today we dissected through the abdominal cavity. Our cadaver, a relatively slender man had extremely small muscles making it difficult to identify and preserve. Anotehr cadaver, about 6 tables away from mine, offered a unique sight. It was an elderly man who had died of cancer. A brtual cancer that had spread throughout the entire abdominal cavity. It was a sobering experience as I stared into his belly and watched the cancer polyps adhere to the walls of the intesting, the walls surrounding the abdominal cavity and anywhere offering a free space to anchor on. They kind of looke like vines of small blackish yellow grapes, deadly grapes. We also saw various hernias. It's amazing to visualize these pathologies, so we can better understand their origin and treatment. I love learning about this- about pathologies, treatments, the complexity of the human body, and so much more, but I must admit it's exhausting and forces me to spend less and less times with friends and family. I've also neglected unpacking the boxes in my house. I can only hope that things will get better as I adjust and learn to efficiently study.
Randomness
-I drink coffee and Mountain Dew almost regularly.
-My knee isn't getting much better, so I am scheduled to have a knee manipulation and scar tissue removal next Friday (September 10). It's not a very invasive surgical procedure, but it will leave me in crtuches for 2-3 days. I'm bitter, but what can I do about it now...
-I joined the medical school yearbook club- can't wait to have another creative outlet!
-I make dinner about twice a week and forgot how much I love to cook!
"When we longs for a life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure." -Peter Marshall
Week 4 in Human Structure, Function and Development
The ribs had been cracked open before we arrived, and the wall of the thorax loosely sat on top of his old body. We were so anxious to move on from the legs, back and arms that we had just been tested on, so we eagerly began working. Today we we're exposing the heart and lungs- the HUMAN heart and lungs! We slowly and carefully peeled off the cut ribs and sliced through the diaphragm and various muscles to pull it free. Ther we set eyes upon the contents of the thoracic cavity- the lungs easily stoof out and it was certainly a pleasant sight, because it was a change from looking at mostly pink muscles and white bones and tendons in the arms and legs. They had a marble or snake skin type appearance with pink as a dominate color and speckles and swirls of black scattered throughout. But comparing all the different cadaver's lungs offered much more diversity. Some lungs were much more black and abnormally shaped, some were pinker, some darker purple, and some had more splotches of black while still maintaining their pink color. The heart was located close to the center and for now it was covered in a thick durable white tissue. We could see hints of the liver and abdominal organs, but we wouldn't be exposing these until later.
Touching the lungs was incredible. They were enormous taking up most of the space enclosed by the ribs and encircling the heart. They felt like a Tempurpedic mattreess- when I pushed on them, they slowly and smoothly returned to their original shape. When we handled them roughly, it took longer to fluff out again, but they did. The heart, on the other hand, was much harder, after all it's a powerhouse of muscle- constantly pumping blood throughout. It was even more rigid, because blood had coagulated within its 4 chambers. The blood clots were dark and looked like dirt- some were as hard as rocks. Our cadaver's heart was enormous (much bigger than the average size of a fist). It had obviously become enlarged to compensate for his plaqued arteries. Vessels branched in all different directions and it was a puzzle, we would have to figure out and master. I was anxious to begin the challenge!
It was a nice break spending those three hours in the lab- exploring. It offered a sense of rejuvenation and confirmation, because the past few days had been extremely busy as we spent countless hours studying for our first exam. Many of us were feeling down, nervous, and stressed out. We had all spent our entire weekend in the cadaver lab, in the study rooms and in the library exerting every last bit of energy into learning every aspect of the past three weeks. Not only was I physically exhausted, but also emotionall and mentally fatigued. But cutting into the chest felt amazing and reminded me why I am doing this, why we all just need to push through.
Week 5 in Human Structure, Function and Development
It gets tougher and tougher each day. We are constantly being challenged, quizzed and presented with new information. We just began the abdominal contents- intestines, liver, pancreas, stomach, and the list goes on and on. We have so much to cover this week, but fortunately we have a three day weekend to look forward to- or better yet we have a three day weekend to study.
Today we dissected through the abdominal cavity. Our cadaver, a relatively slender man had extremely small muscles making it difficult to identify and preserve. Anotehr cadaver, about 6 tables away from mine, offered a unique sight. It was an elderly man who had died of cancer. A brtual cancer that had spread throughout the entire abdominal cavity. It was a sobering experience as I stared into his belly and watched the cancer polyps adhere to the walls of the intesting, the walls surrounding the abdominal cavity and anywhere offering a free space to anchor on. They kind of looke like vines of small blackish yellow grapes, deadly grapes. We also saw various hernias. It's amazing to visualize these pathologies, so we can better understand their origin and treatment. I love learning about this- about pathologies, treatments, the complexity of the human body, and so much more, but I must admit it's exhausting and forces me to spend less and less times with friends and family. I've also neglected unpacking the boxes in my house. I can only hope that things will get better as I adjust and learn to efficiently study.
Randomness
-I drink coffee and Mountain Dew almost regularly.
-My knee isn't getting much better, so I am scheduled to have a knee manipulation and scar tissue removal next Friday (September 10). It's not a very invasive surgical procedure, but it will leave me in crtuches for 2-3 days. I'm bitter, but what can I do about it now...
-I joined the medical school yearbook club- can't wait to have another creative outlet!
-I make dinner about twice a week and forgot how much I love to cook!
"When we longs for a life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure." -Peter Marshall
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Today I drank my first cup of coffee
5 weeks ago I stepped foot through the large auditorium doors of the new and beautiful Domenici Auditorium along with around a hundred other eager medical students. Our summer had been cut short, but I had been waiting for this moment for so long it didn't seem to matter. We were dressed in spiffy clothes and we struggled to remember names from every encounter. Little did we know we could have been meeting our future lifetime friends, and maybe even business partners. I was meeting people I would spend the next four years with- we would grow together, celebrate success together, and probably even cry together. During the first two weeks, we filled out stacks of papers, we got your typical blue anatomy scrubs, we participated in the annual kickball tournament ( I sat out because of my recent knee surgery, but happily cheered on my teammates), took our first Public Health course, and had the esteemed White Coat Ceremony.
Here I am 5 weeks later...
I asked our proctors a lot of questions. Maybe I was nervous, maybe I thought I could delay the process. Physically I was ready- I wore my nicely pressed white coat with the bright blue patch and polished gold pin on my left collar. Underneath- a nice conservative dress and some close-toed shoes. It would be my first patient interview and I wanted to look professional and nice. But underneath I was terrified. What questions would I ask? What if my patient didn't like me? Who was I- a measly first year, 5 weeks into med school? I shouldn't even be wearing this white coat! Why on earth do these professors think we're ready for something like this!! I only read 10 pages on the subject and now they want me to interview a patient! Ahhh!
Feelings of anxiety surged through my body. I could probably even explain the path they took through the nervous system, through individual neurons and out of the brain (but after a recent 6 hours in the library, I'd rather not). In walked the first patient- a jolly old man. Of course, as an entity of the health field, for HIPAA reasons I can't go into much detail, but I can say that it was a success. At the end of the 20 minutes, the patient slowly limped out the door of our cramped small group room and I took a deep breathe- part of me thinks it was a sigh of relief, but in retrospect I think it was a sigh of disbelief. The moment ended as quickly as it came- it was surreal. I had just interviewed a patient- a real life patient- and I was in medical school. I am going to be a doctor. I still pinch myself in the morning.
Aside from patient interviewing, I spend the majority of my time in the new and very envied cadaver lab with "Spike"- a generous man who was nearly a century old who donated his frail body with knobby knees, so that future doctors could learn and populate our very much underserved state. For example this past week, I spent about 3-6 hours everyday dissecting, identifying structures, and cramming it into my memory. I've taken a scapel to human skin, cracked the clavicle bone with a bone chisel, and even grasped bare msucles in my hands. A few weeks later it almost feels natural. I must say when we first unzipped that white plastic bag lying on the cold silver table, I wasn't sure how I would respond. The bright surgery-room-looking-lights hung above our heads. I was nervous, but slowly his naked stiff body was fully revealed and I felt fine- this is how I knew I was made for this!
I spend the rest of my time in the library staring at virtual microscope slides on the computer screen for hours upon hours attempting to identify cells and their infinitesimally small structures. I sit there in my cubical with books, pens, highlighters, flash cards, paper, my water bottle, and my computer sprawled out covering the entire surface of the desk. The window slightly above my cubicle slowly darkens, as less and less light filters through. The sun sets and I still sit there shuffling through pages in an attempt to commit as much as possible to memory, but more importantly in an attempt to truly learn this information. I've never felt such a responsibility to learn- after all, it's knowledge thats crucial to understand the beautifully yet complicatedly created human body, so that one day I can make diagnoses.
And of course, I attend lectures for Epidemiology and Biostastics, Foundations of Clinical Practice, Histology, Embryology, and Physiology. I go to class meetings, AMA meetings, study sessions, reviews, small group sessions, and more. I practically live on north campus- I am all too familiar with the library, the med student lounge, and the study rooms.
I eat quickly, because there's not time to waste. I take a break to exercise, because I believe as a future physician I should set a good example. And twice a week I attend physical therapy to rehab my knee in an attempt to gain full flexion and strength. And when I have just a few extra hours, I slowly unpack the stack of boxes that sit unopened in my new and very homy house. (At this rate, I may be done unpacking when my lease ends...) Was it everything I thought it would be? Yes and ten times more! I must admit I've felt overwhelmed, scared, frustrated and tired, but at the end of the day, I crawl into my comfty bed and I realize that with every day I come closer to fulfilling my goals. And the following morning I wake up, and I may be grouchy, nervous for our quiz, and dying to press the snooze button a few more time, but I wake up ready to tackle another day, ready to do it all over again.
Here I am 5 weeks later...
I asked our proctors a lot of questions. Maybe I was nervous, maybe I thought I could delay the process. Physically I was ready- I wore my nicely pressed white coat with the bright blue patch and polished gold pin on my left collar. Underneath- a nice conservative dress and some close-toed shoes. It would be my first patient interview and I wanted to look professional and nice. But underneath I was terrified. What questions would I ask? What if my patient didn't like me? Who was I- a measly first year, 5 weeks into med school? I shouldn't even be wearing this white coat! Why on earth do these professors think we're ready for something like this!! I only read 10 pages on the subject and now they want me to interview a patient! Ahhh!
Feelings of anxiety surged through my body. I could probably even explain the path they took through the nervous system, through individual neurons and out of the brain (but after a recent 6 hours in the library, I'd rather not). In walked the first patient- a jolly old man. Of course, as an entity of the health field, for HIPAA reasons I can't go into much detail, but I can say that it was a success. At the end of the 20 minutes, the patient slowly limped out the door of our cramped small group room and I took a deep breathe- part of me thinks it was a sigh of relief, but in retrospect I think it was a sigh of disbelief. The moment ended as quickly as it came- it was surreal. I had just interviewed a patient- a real life patient- and I was in medical school. I am going to be a doctor. I still pinch myself in the morning.
Aside from patient interviewing, I spend the majority of my time in the new and very envied cadaver lab with "Spike"- a generous man who was nearly a century old who donated his frail body with knobby knees, so that future doctors could learn and populate our very much underserved state. For example this past week, I spent about 3-6 hours everyday dissecting, identifying structures, and cramming it into my memory. I've taken a scapel to human skin, cracked the clavicle bone with a bone chisel, and even grasped bare msucles in my hands. A few weeks later it almost feels natural. I must say when we first unzipped that white plastic bag lying on the cold silver table, I wasn't sure how I would respond. The bright surgery-room-looking-lights hung above our heads. I was nervous, but slowly his naked stiff body was fully revealed and I felt fine- this is how I knew I was made for this!
I spend the rest of my time in the library staring at virtual microscope slides on the computer screen for hours upon hours attempting to identify cells and their infinitesimally small structures. I sit there in my cubical with books, pens, highlighters, flash cards, paper, my water bottle, and my computer sprawled out covering the entire surface of the desk. The window slightly above my cubicle slowly darkens, as less and less light filters through. The sun sets and I still sit there shuffling through pages in an attempt to commit as much as possible to memory, but more importantly in an attempt to truly learn this information. I've never felt such a responsibility to learn- after all, it's knowledge thats crucial to understand the beautifully yet complicatedly created human body, so that one day I can make diagnoses.
And of course, I attend lectures for Epidemiology and Biostastics, Foundations of Clinical Practice, Histology, Embryology, and Physiology. I go to class meetings, AMA meetings, study sessions, reviews, small group sessions, and more. I practically live on north campus- I am all too familiar with the library, the med student lounge, and the study rooms.
I eat quickly, because there's not time to waste. I take a break to exercise, because I believe as a future physician I should set a good example. And twice a week I attend physical therapy to rehab my knee in an attempt to gain full flexion and strength. And when I have just a few extra hours, I slowly unpack the stack of boxes that sit unopened in my new and very homy house. (At this rate, I may be done unpacking when my lease ends...) Was it everything I thought it would be? Yes and ten times more! I must admit I've felt overwhelmed, scared, frustrated and tired, but at the end of the day, I crawl into my comfty bed and I realize that with every day I come closer to fulfilling my goals. And the following morning I wake up, and I may be grouchy, nervous for our quiz, and dying to press the snooze button a few more time, but I wake up ready to tackle another day, ready to do it all over again.
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