Today I drank my first cup of coffee

5 weeks ago I stepped foot through the large auditorium doors of the new and beautiful Domenici Auditorium along with around a hundred other eager medical students. Our summer had been cut short, but I had been waiting for this moment for so long it didn't seem to matter. We were dressed in spiffy clothes and we struggled to remember names from every encounter. Little did we know we could have been meeting our future lifetime friends, and maybe even business partners. I was meeting people I would spend the next four years with- we would grow together, celebrate success together, and probably even cry together. During the first two weeks, we filled out stacks of papers, we got your typical blue anatomy scrubs, we participated in the annual kickball tournament ( I sat out because of my recent knee surgery, but happily cheered on my teammates), took our first Public Health course, and had the esteemed White Coat Ceremony.

Here I am 5 weeks later...

I asked our proctors a lot of questions. Maybe I was nervous, maybe I thought I could delay the process. Physically I was ready- I wore my nicely pressed white coat with the bright blue patch and polished gold pin on my left collar. Underneath- a nice conservative dress and some close-toed shoes. It would be my first patient interview and I wanted to look professional and nice. But underneath I was terrified. What questions would I ask? What if my patient didn't like me? Who was I- a measly first year, 5 weeks into med school? I shouldn't even be wearing this white coat! Why on earth do these professors think we're ready for something like this!! I only read 10 pages on the subject and now they want me to interview a patient! Ahhh!

Feelings of anxiety surged through my body. I could probably even explain the path they took through the nervous system, through individual neurons and out of the brain (but after a recent 6 hours in the library, I'd rather not). In walked the first patient- a jolly old man. Of course, as an entity of the health field, for HIPAA reasons I can't go into much detail, but I can say that it was a success. At the end of the 20 minutes, the patient slowly limped out the door of our cramped small group room and I took a deep breathe- part of me thinks it was a sigh of relief, but in retrospect I think it was a sigh of disbelief. The moment ended as quickly as it came- it was surreal. I had just interviewed a patient- a real life patient- and I was in medical school. I am going to be a doctor. I still pinch myself in the morning.

Aside from patient interviewing, I spend the majority of my time in the new and very envied cadaver lab with "Spike"- a generous man who was nearly a century old who donated his frail body with knobby knees, so that future doctors could learn and populate our very much underserved state. For example this past week, I spent about 3-6 hours everyday dissecting, identifying structures, and cramming it into my memory. I've taken a scapel to human skin, cracked the clavicle bone with a bone chisel, and even grasped bare msucles in my hands. A few weeks later it almost feels natural. I must say when we first unzipped that white plastic bag lying on the cold silver table, I wasn't sure how I would respond. The bright surgery-room-looking-lights hung above our heads. I was nervous, but slowly his naked stiff body was fully revealed and I felt fine- this is how I knew I was made for this!

I spend the rest of my time in the library staring at virtual microscope slides on the computer screen for hours upon hours attempting to identify cells and their infinitesimally small structures. I sit there in my cubical with books, pens, highlighters, flash cards, paper, my water bottle, and my computer sprawled out covering the entire surface of the desk. The window slightly above my cubicle slowly darkens, as less and less light filters through. The sun sets and I still sit there shuffling through pages in an attempt to commit as much as possible to memory, but more importantly in an attempt to truly learn this information. I've never felt such a responsibility to learn- after all, it's knowledge thats crucial to understand the beautifully yet complicatedly created human body, so that one day I can make diagnoses.

And of course, I attend lectures for Epidemiology and Biostastics, Foundations of Clinical Practice, Histology, Embryology, and Physiology. I go to class meetings, AMA meetings, study sessions, reviews, small group sessions, and more. I practically live on north campus- I am all too familiar with the library, the med student lounge, and the study rooms.

I eat quickly, because there's not time to waste. I take a break to exercise, because I believe as a future physician I should set a good example. And twice a week I attend physical therapy to rehab my knee in an attempt to gain full flexion and strength. And when I have just a few extra hours, I slowly unpack the stack of boxes that sit unopened in my new and very homy house. (At this rate, I may be done unpacking when my lease ends...) Was it everything I thought it would be? Yes and ten times more! I must admit I've felt overwhelmed, scared, frustrated and tired, but at the end of the day, I crawl into my comfty bed and I realize that with every day I come closer to fulfilling my goals. And the following morning I wake up, and I may be grouchy, nervous for our quiz, and dying to press the snooze button a few more time, but I wake up ready to tackle another day, ready to do it all over again.